Love vs Lust

Jordan texted me today while I was at work. He told me how sorry he was, what a dick he was and how he messed up. Of course, that whole day I could think of nothing else. My heart stopped in my chest and I started getting all sweaty and couldn’t concentrate but I didn’t respond for a while. I let myself gather some composure. I responded and said “thank you for saying that. I wish things could have been different. You know I would have done anything for you”. Anyway, he continued to tell me to not let assholes dictate my future relationships. He said to continue being the sweet lovable person I am and good things will happen. Well, after I read that I lost it. I completely lost it. I started bawling because he sees the sweetness in me yet he still didn’t love me. He is saying goodbye for real, no more bullshit. I wish I could have been enough. He said that he cared about me but obviously not enough. I wasn’t enough to help him overcome the pain of his last relationships. I just wasn’t enough… not pretty enough, not funny enough, not cool enough, not confident enough. Sweetness only gets you so far. God, I wanted to drive over to see him so badly. I was crying and crying and I wanted him to see me in pain. I wanted him to see how much I care about him and wrap me in his arms and never let go. I want to be his so badly. It’s just a fantasy though. It’s the fairytale I want... The strong, handsome prince rescues me and takes care of me for the rest of my life. Yea right. Jordan will never change, he’s apologizing but he’s still the same person who does a shitty job of showing me he cares! That will never change, I have given him too many chances to prove it to me and he failed! I need to remember that. I just keep looking at the possibilities, not the reality. Accept the man at face value, not what I think he can become! A man is what he is, I will not change him with my love. People don’t change unless they want to.

The Start of Something New

Well, I finally gave in and moved back home. I have hit rock bottom. My finances are in shamble, my love life is non-existant, I contracted an std, I may lose my job, I have no social life and no direction. I don’t see myself as someone my family can admire and appreciate. I am just a dirty whore. Really. I don’t even know how many men I have been with. Isn’t that terrible? I got this disease and I don’t even know who gave it to me. God only knows how long I have had it. Probably a long time because my periods have been weird for several months now. Whatever, it’s all taken care of now. That nightmare is behind me. It has really made me take a step back though and re-examine myself and my lifestyle. I need to stay home and regroup, get my priorities in order. I need to realize that I am not invincible.

I ended it with Jordan last week. I finally found the courage to tell him to leave me alone if he doesn’t know what he wants. The thing that kills me is that I gave him 6 months. I spent those months trying to prove my worth, trying to convince him to love me. What a mess I am. I was trying to CONVINCE him? I knew all along that he didn’t and would never love me. But I thought that if I just kept doing nice things for him and being as perfect as I could be, he would turn around. God, I was so good to him and he knew I cared about him. But he strung me along and I allowed it. I was like a little puppy and he was pulling me along on my leash. God, I am torn up. I couldn’t make him love me. It was so easy for him to let me go. There wasn’t a fight, a struggle. It was just an ok. He just let me go. It was probably a relief for him to not have me around anymore. If I could guess, I would say that he was seeing several other women when we were together. I bet that’s why he let me go so easily. He still had others on the side. I just hope that he thinks of me sometimes and maybe feels regret or loss. I hope one day he can see what a good thing he had and is sorry. Well, now that that chapter of my life is over. I can move forward. Jordan was always mentally dragging me down. I was always on a rollercoaster ride with him. I didn’t grow, or improve my life in any way by being with him. It is over and I am a new person now. I just cannot stay stuck on the fact that he didn’t care. It really is his loss. It isn’t that I am unlovable ((God, I really need to believe that)), it’s that he wasn’t the right one. I keep thinking about what I said to him. The words ring in my ear and I can’t push them away. I said, "if you don’t know what you want then just let me go", and that was it. Very simple words, but I want to cry every time I think it.

I am going to find someone one day that will just love me for who I am. I will feel it in my bones and we will get married, have babies and live the life I always wanted. He will adore me. I haven’t found that yet, but I know It’s out there somewhere. In his arms, his love, I will feel secure and content.